Friday, April 13, 2007

"...sick and tired of hearing about the holocaust"--Jesse Jackson

"Hymietown..."--Jesse Jackson

"We will not stand by and allow them to move this brother so that some white interloper can expand his business"--Al Sharpton

"I'm outraged..."--Al Sharpton

It is time to stop all of this. All of it. The tabloids, the fan mags, the 24-hour news channels times six, the paparazzi, reality TV, wikipedia--all of the invasive, vapid bullshit that has exploded in growth over the last decade like a giant tumor feeding on humanity's vicarious negativity.

Sometimes a celebrity gets drunk. Sometimes a celebrity gets fat, divorced, sideswiped, shaven bald, cheated on, caught cheating, caught saying something stupid, becomes addicted to adoption, etc. Leave them alone.

I am immensely proud of the fact that I thought the winner of the first "Survivor" was an old TV actor from the 1970's series "Battlestar Galactica"--I was a little concerned when I heard that he went around naked and had tax trouble, but that was the extent of my interest. I have better things to do, to watch, to listen to, and to donate my precious time to, and so do you.

People say stupid shit all the time, and people of note are not excused from this predeliction by virtue of their fame. The bottom line is that until liberal federal judges succeed in totally destroying the US Constitution, we can still say whatever we want to say whenever we want to say it.

One caveat to this: I demand quid pro quo from the celebrity world--if they are allowed the privacy which they all demand and which is their right to have, they must revert to private citizens once their glamorous workdays are concluded. You can't beat up a photographer, demand your privacy as an "artist", then give a speech to 10,000 South American leftist radicals calling for the overthrow of the US government. If you don't want to be followed down the aisle of your local Piggly Wiggly with a video camera, then get take off your "fur is murder" T-shirt and say no to "Meet the Press". If you want to be pitied because your maid stole one of your sex tapes and marketed it on e-Bay--no problem. I will give you my pity as long as you don't pop up at the head of any protest marches. Use your celebrity as a soapbox and you are fair game for whatever invasions the public can dream up.

Besides, who gives a crap about what Sean Penn has to say about anything anyway? He is remarkable for two things--one great film role in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" and tagging Madonna before she turned into Margaret Thatcher. George Clooney should stop giving speeches and concentrate on making an "Oceans" sequel that doesn't appear to have been directed by Hunter Thompson. Maggie Gyllenhall and Rosie O'Donnell???--the unattractive sub from "Secretary" and a Marlon Brando impersonator have no place on my TV screen defecating from the mouth on the subject of world events.

They can continue to talk if they want to--that is freedom of speech. All I am saying is that they should be prepared for the consequences. After all, if I decided one day to throw on black-face and shuffle up and down the aisles of my restaurant singing "Old Black Sambo" at the top of my lungs, that would be my right--just as it would be the right of my employer to fire me, just as it is the right of Don Imus' employer to fire him, and just as it is the long-overdue right of Rosie O' Brando's employer to fire her [think of the money they would save on the breakfast buffet alone!]. I don't believe I would ever do such a thing--the black-face make-up would play havoc with my delicate complexion, I don't know the words to the song and would probably have to substitute "Cotton-Eyed Joe" [which misses the whole point], and my girlfriend's father, who is black [he insists he is a black American, not African-American] would assuredly beat me to death in short order--but it would be my right to do it nonetheless.

It is our right to offend people. It may not be courteous and it may not be RIGHT, but it is A RIGHT. What should not be allowed to continue is this growing culture of outrage, complete with professional garment renders who fly first class to the sight of any perceived injustice [where there is media interest] to start screaming for blood and sacrifice, purporting to champion the rights of the "offended".

Next time Jesse Jackson pops up in front of the TV cameras in his shining armor, the crowd gathered before him should start chanting "hymietown" in the hopes that he may finally face the hypocrisy that birthed his public persona. Any words spoken by Al Sharpton should be broadcast only after playing the recorded public statement by the family of Tawana Brawley stating that the reverend's opportunistic involvement with their daughter has ruined their lives.

In an excellent halloween episode of "The Simpsons" giant advertising icons come to life and terrorize Springfield. They are defeated by an advertising jingle that convinces the residents to ignore the rampaging signs, logos, and trademarks--"just don't look, just don't look..." Without the inhabitants' attention to give them energy, these marauding monsters die, and we have this same power within all of us.

Stop with the reality TV and this ghastly human circus will finally go away--right now 150,000,000 of us are addicted to seeing people embarrassed on national TV--that's pretty sad. The tabloids and their whorish siblings the fan mags eat up thousands of trees and millions of brain cells for no positive purpose--how many times does one need to see Paris Hilton's ass?

Worst, the constant apologizing--the familiar creed of "if anyone was offended by my words, even taken out of context as they were..." I cannot remember the last time I said something I did not mean. I have certainly made statements that on review could be deemed rash, insensitive, or inappropriate--but I meant them. The problem is that no one in the public eye
means anything that the say anymore. Every uttered phrase is a marketing tool specifically designed to pander or appeal. As a result, when errors are made the resulting gaffes take on exponential importance as they were already born miles away from the truth. The further fact that some individuals enjoy the media's support and can get away with these blunders time and time again while even the slightest foible of one less favored is immediate breaking news makes it even more ludicrous.

I call shenanigans on the whole system. I am outraged, and I demand an apology, and I want someone fired--I want the firing put in the Congressional Record, and then I want Sandy Berger to smuggle the original pages out of the National Archive in his pants so that I can have them framed for my office wall. Tell him money is no object, the Chinese will pay.

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